You don't get what you deserve.
You get what you take.

-Nemi

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Work overload.

Apparently I'm finding myself with two jobs right now, as my previous employer had added me back on the schedule (without asking me), despite a month ago telling me that they can't have me full time anymore. Well, obviously I went and got a new job and a week ago I was just told my new schedule for my bar job and after yesterday's shift I found my name on next weeks schedule as well. Not impressed. if I'm working 5 days a week on my new job, and have two nights on my old job, dissertation wont be happening. I don't mind going there every now and then, but I wont be there twice a week. I know I shouldn't be complaining for having enough work and getting money, but right now, my priority is to earn enough to pay the rent and get the best possible mark on dissertation. I wont start working just for the sake of it. I know this will come back to me next year at this time when I'm unemployed and living home with no idea what to do with my life, but right now it's a bit too much.

Especially because again, I have no idea what has happened this week.. Everything happens so quickly, I'm never home, and I'm running back and forth to town and uni. I was in such a stress when I found out that the landlord will come and look around this week, as I wasn't home in two days other than once for 40 mins for lunch and shower, and I didn't have time to clean up my room properly or anything else. Then he came in, spent less than 5 minutes in the flat and left. What was the point? I understand that he wants to know what's going on in here, but my flatmate has been living here for about 3 years, he should know by now that she's not going to demolish the flat. Of course I might, but still.

I've started going to the weekly stand up show in Aberdeen, and it's so much fun! It's the best possible get away from uni and work, have couple of drinks and listen to funny people in good company (just remembered and I promised to work next week when it's taking place, damn). Other than that, library has become my new home, and I'm only attracted away from there with a message like "Bobbin?"(the code name for a pint). Also, I just realised all my markers have run out of ink, how am I supposed to study today?! 

On Friday, we went to see the new Bond movie, and I thought it was awesome. I'm not a huge fan of Bond, I don't mind watching those movies, but it wouldn't be my first choise. But this one, it was AWESOME. Especially because Daniel Graig (obviously, I'm a female after all) and Javier Bardem. I think Javier was the coolest villain EVER in No Country For Old Men, and then he pulled off his Bond-villain role so well and it was completely different from the previous role. He's such an amazing bad guy!

I'm not going to say anything about the weather here, I get so annoyed when there's 50 facebook updates about it, and everyone who looks out the window would find would find out the weather anyway. But next week is Halloween and I have no idea what to dress up like. Oh well, black tight clothes and black eyeliner will probably do. I can be 14-years old Noora!

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Back to life.

Apparently articulating my problem really helped, as ever since I've felt a lot better and almost like my old self! Or even more, sometimes apparently I come out as maniac (according to Rob at least), maybe there's some bipolarity in the air? It is in the family, hmm... I'll see how it goes. Anyway, I'm just so happy that I don't feel like bursting to tears all the time and I have the energy to smile and have fun. Apparently it also helps with keeping people in your life. I just hope that I didn't just jinx it, and from tomorrow on I'll be back to the darkest depths of my mind.

Besides that, I've continued my basic student life with not uni work because of real work. I need to catch up with my dissertation so badly, but everything at its time. On Sunday I got a call from my previous work place, saying "So your schedule for this week is Friday and Saturday nights" "....Excuse me?" And I thought that I didn't work there anymore... Oh well, I took the Saturday shift, might get some tips at least. But I'm not going back permanently, I love having evenings for myself and apparently I'm doing pretty well in my new place, I got to guide one new girl who started a week after me. Yay me!

On weekend I took Tolstoy out for the first time (otherwise it would have gone to the army fields, brr) and it was behaving quite wildly, mingling with everyone, being the normal attention whore he is... (Not me, only Tolstoy...) So Saturday was our mutual bonding hungover morning and Saturday afternoon and evening went perfectly in library, catching up with studying and then SLEEP.

Today I finally made it back to pool! I don't know if other people have the same thing, but every time I stop doing something, especially sports for a long period of time, it get just harder and harder to get back to it. I've been postponing going to pool for about 5 weeks now (okay, for 2 weeks I wasn't able to go in anyway), but now that I finally made it there, it was so worth it! Like previously, I remembered how wonderful swimming is and how good it made me feel. My goal was to swim only a kilo meter to see how much behind I was compared to Spring, but I think it actually took me a lot less time this time, yay, I'm not a complete sloth!

Are you tired of hearing from Tolstoy already? If not, here's a picture of him having some yogurt.


Tuesday, 16 October 2012

You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometime, you just might find/You get what you need.

Kaamos.

It's official, I can't deal with seasonal changes. Every Spring and Autumn, the first thing is that my mood changes completely. I know I've written about the darkness of Scotland previously (or at least talked about it with most of my friends), but I think that I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings as more and more people have noticed this change in my mood. Obviously, there are many factors that pile up in disguise of dissertation, work (I've noticed that even after 3,5 hours at work paralyses me for the rest of the day, preventing me from uni work), damp weather, coldness and then the complete darkness. I don't even mind darkness and coldness, but in Scotland it is still so different from Finnish winter. I never got as bad autumn/spring depression in Finland. And this time, in contrast to spring, when I was feeling like this I started socialising and met a lot of wonderful new people, social gatherings exhaust me. I know I'm an introvert anyway, but I've improved my social skills within the past few years, so that spending time with people doesn't consume that much energy anymore, but right now, every single time there is more than 3 people present, I just withdraw completely into myself. No matter what mood I was 5 minutes prior, a group of people makes me feel tired and I stop making any connection to anyone, no matter who they are and whether they try to cheer me up or not. Especially if there's people I don't know, I feel it's easier to to withdraw from the group than trying to keep up.

In addition to this, because of obvious reasons, I'm full of hormones. I know I have said that after I finish pill I never want any other hormones, but before either of us castrates themselves, hormones are the way to go. And hormones don't suit me well. Especially now that I switched from one form to another. I know that I'm more of a rational person than emotional, so it bothers me so much that I'm completely under the curse of my emotions. No matter how I try to rationalise things in my head, I'm about to burst crying every other minute for the smallest things, and I hate it. Crying makes me feel weak and there's only two things that I hate the most in the world, feeling either stupid or weak.

It's ridiculous that I can't stay completely happy for a one full day, especially because in the end, everything in my life is going fantastic right now. I'm doing well with my course, I have direction for my dissertation, I have started in a new job and everyone is being amazing there, I have the most wonderful boyfriend that brings me breakfast in bed (seriously women, if you find a guy that does that, never let go), I'm surrounded by wonderful friends and my biggest problem is that on the evening I have to choose from several options what I feel like doing. This week I can even go back to pool! But NOOOOOOOOOO, my brain says that leaving the student card at home is the end of the world, so there's no point on even trying to enjoy the rest of the day. Or maybe I just run into a bunch of my friends, what could be more depressing? And every time someone asks if I'm fine, I'll just smile and nod and start crying.

Luckily Tolstoy is always up for cuddles.
I said this already during first year, and I say it again; I really should get one of those bright light lamps.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

The beginning of October.

This week has been quite quiet and I've spent half of it under my blanket, as the autumn cold decided to catch me as well. On Tuesday morning Rob had one look at me and said that maybe I shouldn't go to uni that day. So much for "I love your morning look" when coughing messed-hair goblin crawls into the light from bed. On Thursday I was sure that it was going away, but yesterday I woke up to the bonus-round as it struck harder than before. I've decided that I'll be fine by tomorrow, because I can't be bothered with being sick for two weeks, so now I'm just waiting for Rob to finish work and come to nurse me back to health with tea.

On the bright side, I got two job offers this week and the one I chose will start in a week or so. The other place would have been to a bar and I was getting quite fed up with that scene so I'm happy to change to retail for a while now. And the hourly pay is better. I just need to live cheaply for the next two weeks or so, but that shouldn't be a problem now that I've got all my necessary bills paid. I just wish my "not so reliable" (to put it nicely) former landlord would be so kind and pay me the rest of the deposit back. It's only been 4 months since I moved out, and the new girl moved in a month after me, so there's hardly any excuses left.

On Friday, I finally got to see Thomas Truax live! It was such a good gig, and as I had never seen him before, I completely fell in love with him. He was so adorable with the instruments he has built himself, and I still can't get over the name The Hornicator, one of his instruments.

I think I need to go have a nap now, and hope that I wont be woken up every 30 mins by coughing like last night.